Those of you who live in the Dayton area and follow local music are probably already familiar with Doctor Art Jipson, but for readers who are not, I offer a brief introduction.  Doctor Jipson is a professor at the University of Dayton with expertise in sociology and criminal justice.  Yeah, heavy stuff.  When he is not shaping young minds in the classroom, he is shaping them via music, as he is DJ on a WUDR program called Your Tuesday Afternoon Alternative.  I think it's fair to say that there isn't anyone who cheers louder for independent musicians from Dayton and around Ohio than Dr. J.   

Recently, Dr. J has been playing "I Am a Number" on his show.  Now, I didn't release or advertise that particular song as a "single".  All of Anxious Inventions & Fictions is FCC friendly, so all of it could conceivably receive radio play, and while I encourage the folks at college and indie radio who receive the album to play whatever they want, most often folks don't get past the "singles".  Dr. J plays the music he likes, the music that moves him, and I am thoroughly pleased that he likes "I Am a Number" enough to give it airplay.  That being the case, as a gift to him - and also to all of you out there - here's the story of that song.  I hope you enjoy the story, and I hope you like the song as much as Dr. J does.  (Thank you, Dr. J.)

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

Ten dollar book filled with twenty cent words
Juxtaposed only to make it absurd
Carelessly tripping your way around diction
Turning your stories from fact into fiction

I had the above lyrics sitting around for several years.  Despite what they sound like given today's climate, they are not about any political figures.  Those lyrics were originally about a certain social media platform with the word "book" in its name, and about how people would share things that are verifiably false or absolute nonsense.  Note that again, I wrote these words long before it became common knowledge that social media is weaponized as a propaganda tool by all sorts of nefarious actors.  It took awhile before I was able to compose any music to fit the lyrics.  When I finally did, I had to simplify the lyrics a bit to make them fit the song, make them easier to sing (a nod to Greg Owens for the idea to turn "tripping" into "trip"), and create some extra alliteration ("stories" became "tale").

I composed the music on piano, like I often do.  The main riff consists of individual notes F, A, and C, followed by a G major chord and two F major chords.  Right from the beginning, I knew I wanted this to be a guitar rock song, and I knew I wanted it to sound like Knoxville's own Superdrag.  John Davis - formerly of Superdrag and currently the man behind The Lees Of Memory - is a strong influence on my songwriting.  You don't always hear it, but on Anxious Inventions & Fictions, that influence is clear on "I Am a Number" and "Promise".  In order to get to the sound I wanted, I recruited Tim Pritchard (who you might know from bands such as The Boxcar Suite and Shrug) to play guitar, since he loves the work of John Davis as much, if not more, than I do.  I told Tim that I wanted it to sound like a Superdrag song, and he knew what to do.  When there were questions about a tonal approach for some of the guitar parts, I asked him to imagine what Brandon Fisher would do, and away we went.

Also, community drummer Brian Hoeflich deserves a special shout-out here.  I asked him to do his best Don Coffey Jr. impression, and he did that.  However, I made an arrangement change at the last moment, in the studio... a couple of deviations from how I had done the demo.  I tried to explain it verbally, but the most effective way to show Brian what I was looking for was to sit at the piano and play/sing the entire song for him.  We went to the piano, he brought a piece of paper, and he charted the entire song as I played it and sang.

I had one music writer tell me that this song reminded him of Hüsker Dü.  Now, I have only listened to three or four Hüsker Dü songs, and although I know how respected Bob Mould is (I see you Joe Anderl), I have only listened to a couple of his solo albums.  I haven't listened to nearly enough of that band to be influenced by them directly... but I have 5 Superdrag albums, and have seen them 3 times... so, any Hüsker Dü influence one might hear in my music comes filtered through John Davis.

I had been playing this one out at Showcase Thursdays and other open mic events on piano before eventually getting in the studio with it.  Strangely enough, even though bass is my main instrument, I didn't write the bass line for the song until the day before tracking it.  Listen closely during the chorus, and you might notice that the bass notes follow the vocal melody, and not necessarily exactly what the guitars are playing. 

As they say, if you can't figure out what the product is on a given tool or website, then YOU are the product.  When it comes to social media, we are the product.  That's something worth keeping in mind.  Obviously, I use social media, I mean, you probably arrived at this blog post via a link from one of the sites where I maintain a presence. These tools have their uses, and I'm not trying to say that they are all evil all of the time.  What I am trying to say is best expressed in the song lyrics:

How great is your stake in me?
This is all marketing data for sale
How much will you lie to me?
This is all marketing, targeted offering
I am a number 

What?

The album title is Anxious Inventions & Fictions, which is a lyric taken from the piano ballad "Insomnia".  The album art looks something like this:

Megan Fiely, "Insomnia", 24" X 24", acrylic on canvas, 2020.

This album exists in two versions. 

First, there is a ten song digital version.  Do you remember my crowdfunding campaign in order to press vinyl from earlier this year?  That did not get funded, so the ten song digital version is what the album would have been on vinyl.  In order to duplicate the vinyl experience, after the fifth song finishes playing, press pause on your device, get up and walk around the room for thirty seconds to simulate flipping the record over, and then continue. 

Second, there is a twelve song deluxe version on compact disc.  This contains two additional songs, an alternate mix of the opening track "Your Anthem", and a different track order, for a custom listening experience. The CD also comes with a twelve page booklet, containing lyrics, liner notes, and art.  For both versions, the album is sequenced carefully, and the listener is meant to listen to all of the songs in order.

Who?

Mike Bankhead.  That's the name/logo on the cover.  I wrote and arranged the songs for the most part.  I say "for the most part", because TINO wrote lyrics and is featured on one song (you might remember a blog post about him), and Greg Owens co-wrote another song (you might remember a blog post about him as well).  Also, two songs feature string arrangements by the outrageously talented Blair Breitreiter.  But wait, there is more...

Here is a list of the wonderful folks who lent their time and talents to this album:

Eli Alban
Dustin Booher 
Blair Breitreiter 
Thad Brittain  
Chris Corn 
Ken Hall
Valentino Halton
Patrick Himes 
Brian Hoeflich
Chad Middleton
Kent Montgomery
David Payne 
Nathan Peters 
Tim Pritchard 
Tod Weidner 
Heather York

This album sounds good, mostly because of this list of humans.  For those of you who are not familiar with independent music in Dayton, you'll just have to trust me when I say that some of the finest musicians in our area are represented here.  

Also, a tip of the hat to Megan Fiely for the beautiful painting, and to Spencer Williams for the photography, layout, and design.

When?

There are some different answers to this question.  Let's start with making the album.  Tracking and mixing took place between February 2019 and February 2020.  That's a year of hard work, not just my own efforts, but also the people listed above, and specifically Patrick Himes as the recording and mixing engineer and David Payne as assistant engineer.

You can order this album on September 4th.  That happens to be Bandcamp Friday, when Bandcamp forgoes their customary cut of artist sales.  That means that all of the funds spent on Anxious Inventions & Fictions on that specific date go to me, and contribute to my ability to continue making art for you to enjoy.  If perchance you don't know where to find me on Bandcamp, here's the link for you to bookmark:

https://mikebankhead.bandcamp.com/

The official release date for this album is September 12th.  That is the day that you will be able to listen to it on the Bandcamp page I just mentioned.  That's also the day for which a safe, socially distanced, outdoors release celebration is planned.

For those of you who only listen to music via streaming services, you will find Anxious Inventions & Fictions available there on September 15th.

Where?

The album was recorded and mixed at Reel Love Recording Company in Dayton, Ohio.  Blair handled some additional recording of string arrangements at Bohemian Trash Studios in Albuquerque, New Mexico.  The album was mastered at True East Mastering in Nashville, Tennessee.

The socially distanced release celebration will happen at Yellow Cab Tavern on 4th Street in downtown Dayton.  Please note that the owners and staff at Yellow Cab care deeply about the health of our community, and require all visitors to wear a mask.  If you do not wear a mask, they will kindly ask you to leave.  Yellow Cab also has social distancing guidelines in place.  If you wish to know more about the precautions they are taking and how you can cooperate, please give them a call.  

Why?

There are those who think that music doesn't need a reason, because "l'art pour l'art", right?  I haven't thought about that particular worldview all that much.  I certainly have my reasons for making art.  

Songwriting is how I deal with stress and anxiety and depression.  Songwriting helps me to work through all sorts of emotional turmoil, and the catharsis that it provides is probably a net benefit to my mental health.  Songwriting is a way for me to say what I want or need to say, especially when nobody is listening.  Not all of those songs get recorded as demos at home, and even fewer of them make it all the way to the studio... but some of them do, and this is what  happens when they do.

I still believe in the idea of the album as an art form. That's not popular these days, as music is seen as a resource, a commodity, a value-less product, both by the companies who use it to make profit, and by the vast majority of music listeners.  I don't make pop music, so of course, I'm not making music for these people.  I make music first of all for me, because it's something I'm driven to do... and all of you other musicians out there, I see you nodding along.  Of course, I wish to share my art... well, the subset of it that I get around to thinking is of enough quality to warrant sharing... but if I write something I don't personally like, you won't be hearing it.  I won't write in a genre or in a certain way because it's popular, because I'm trying to get rich, or because I think it's what someone wants to hear.  You'll only be getting authenticity from me, thank you very much.

The above said, music is also a means of communication.  Thoughts, feelings, ideas, the concrete, the abstract, and just about everyone wishes to be heard, yes?  Maybe music is kind of a cry for help?  Tell you what, as soon as I get a therapist, I'll be sure to discuss this with them.

How?

You know, ever since I was a teenager, if I see that particular word all on it's own, I can't help but sing it.  I mean, I sing it inside my own head where nobody is listening, but it has to be sung.  How, you said you never would leave me alone....

So, how did this happen?  Lots of hard work.  I'm not exactly a gifted musician or songwriter, but I work at it, and I have some perfectionist tendencies, which means lots of editing and re-writing. A great deal of singing practice.  A great deal of singing the same parts over and over again, until Patrick would tell me that it's no longer pitchy.  All sorts of patience from Patrick Himes and the musicians who agreed to play for me.  Even more patience from my wife when I would be in the studio for long hours and obsess over details in mixes at home.

How? Time. Pain. Self-Doubt. Frustration. Tears. Stress. Study. Thought. Experimentation. Explanation. Sleeplessness. 

Anxious Inventions & Fictions is my best work.  That's what I think, anyway.  I hope you think so, too.

when the stars fall out of the sky
and the moon breaks up with the tide
when the sun goes nova with a deafening roar
that's when I won't love you anymore

Those lyrics were around for awhile.  I managed to put a catchy melody and a simple chord progression with them.  That combination made a chorus. This is how a song starts....

And sometimes the song starts and then stops.  I wrote a verse, didn't like it, and discarded it.  I wrote another verse that wasn't any better and discarded it.  I would put the song down for weeks at a time, work on other things musically, and come back to it.  At no point was I able to write a verse that I thought was good enough to go with a decent chorus.  If you are wondering whether that was frustrating, I assure you that it was.  On the good days, the songs kind of write themselves, they just kind of fall out of you and things make sense... at least, that's what many songwriters will tell you.  It rarely happens for me that way, I usually have to put plenty of work in to write a song, but if I keep working at it, eventually I am able to finish.  This one wasn't like that.  It wasn't happening.  Sure I could have picked any of the many pieces I discarded just to call the thing "finished", but I have some perfectionist tendencies, and I didn't wan to settle for mediocre when the potential was there for something better.  

See that paragraph above?  Way too much "I".  There was a point when that had to become "we".  Enter Greg Owens.  

I met the handsome, bearded Mister Owens at a music conference in Nashville. He agreed to have a listen to those lyrics I posted above, as well as the music I had, and try to come up with a verse for it.  Now, if you clicked on the link to his website that I added above and listened to any of his songs, you will notice that we do not write in the same genre .  That said, we both very much love Smashing Pumpkins, so we have some similar influences.  When Greg got back to me with a verse, it was... well, perfect.  

Mostly perfect.  Musically, it was exactly what the song needed.  It complemented the chorus I had written very well, and the chord progression made perfect sense.  Lyrically, it was ok, but I thought we needed to do better.  WE.  Between a couple of Skype conversations and lots of back-and-forth emails, ideas came up, were debated, were traded, were refined.  Greg asked whether we needed a bridge.  I thought we did.  Greg wrote a bridge.  Eventually, we had a finished product.

The finished product is called "Won't Love You Anymore".  It is so much better for having been a collaboration.  This experience taught me that letting go of your pride and asking for help can be a good thing.  Songs are usually so personal to songwriters, but sometimes the best thing to do is open yourself up to another person's creativity and talent.  I am proud of the song that we wrote together.  You'll be able to hear it soon.

New music used to be released on Tuesday. For albums that were eagerly anticipated, local music stores would start selling them at midnight.  I happened to be eagerly anticipating Pearl Jam's 5th album, Yield. At the time, I had a job where my shift ended at 11 PM on Monday nights, and I decided to go get Yield as soon as I could. After work, I drove to Dingleberry's in Centerville (a great record store that is no longer with us) and browsed records whilst listening to whatever was playing on the in-store speakers until midnight.  At midnight, I purchased the CD, and proceeded to listen to it on the way home.

The only song I had heard from the album prior to purchase was "Given To Fly", which was the radio single.  There was a little bit of controversy around it, because of its similarity to a Led Zeppelin song, but since I hadn't really listened to any Led Zeppelin at the time, I didn't notice.  The single didn't particularly move me, but there was music industry buzz around the release, and I had read some positive reviews.  (See, back then, you had to do your research before buying an album.)  

Yield kind of smacks you in the face when it opens.  "Brain of J" was the kind of raucous rocker that reminded me of "Once" and "Go".  I was all in immediately.  The second track, "Faithful" has a steady, meaty riff in the pre-chorus and chorus.... the third track, "No Way" is a place where Jeff Ament demonstrates the groove that I enjoy from his playing (though I love his work on this entire album), and I also immediately dug the lyrics.  I fondly remember the feeling of discovery as I drove home... the soaring chorus of "In Hiding", and the sing-along album closer "All Those Yesterdays".

When I got home, I had a chance to really examine the packaging.  The CD came in a rather creative digipak, with a triangle cut-out on the cover, allowing you to see the yield sign on the panel behind it.  When you open the cover, the sign is in a completely different context.  The album also came with a nicely designed booklet where you can read the lyrics and all of the track credits.  I spent plenty of time sitting in my room, reading through the liner notes and lyrics whilst listening to this album.  It's a fond memory of a long gone time...

I live in Ohio, which is one of 50 states in The United States.  It has been a long time since a war was fought within the borders of this country or state.  It has been so long that all of the people who fought in that war are long dead.  Now, I've visited plenty of other places where war has come much more recently.  For example, I happened to be in Sri Lanka when celebrations were planned to commemorate ONE YEAR since the end of their lengthy civil war.  I visited El Salvador once, and anyone there who was my age at the time would have had civil war as a back drop to almost half of their life.  I have visited France many times, have many friends there, and the folks who live there experienced devastating war fought in and around their homes, a war in which my own grandfather was a participant. War is a horrible, terrible, destructive, evil thing.  People who live where I live tend to forget that.  As a person who is a voracious reader of history, I haven't forgotten, and I ended up writing a song about it.

Here is a picture of the poem I wrote called "Ton Soldat", told from the point of view of a soldier who is sick and tired of war.

See the date on that?  February 9th, 1998.  I was 20 years old when I wrote that, I still had a brother, I didn't yet have gray hair, and I hadn't been to France yet.

When I was putting together songs for my debut album, Echo in the Crevices, I wrote music for this, and asked some of my dear French friends to have a look at the lyrics to ensure they made sense.  I applied their suggestions, changing out the verb "lutter" for "combattre" and "battre".  There were a few other adjustments made to fit the music and make the song flow better.  This song is now called "Le Soldat".  

When it came time to head to the studio, I knew I wanted a shoegaze feel, a wall of distortion and sound, but also laid back.  The bass was going to do most of the movement.  I remember asking Tod Weidner, who was kind enough to play guitar on this song, if he could play the guitar part whilst making sure the attack sound of the pick hitting the strings wasn't heard.  He did a great job with that. He also brought some ingenuity to the bridge, building the chords that I specified piece-by-piece, playing one note at a time during multiple takes... when all of the overdubs were done, we ended up with the sound of full chords.  Also, I figured that if you're going to write a song in French, you had better have some accordion in it, and Eric Cassidy helped me out with that.  Our community drummer, Brian Hoeflich, also added a nice touch to the bridge, laying heavily on the snare drum to give a military feel to the music, which was quite appropriate.

This song needed to be on the album, for its theme and its mood.  I didn't figure many people would like it, because, let's be frank, most people where I live do not listen to music that isn't sung in English.  This was the favorite song on the entire album for one reviewer in particular, and that surprised me. 

It is my hope that having this extra context helps you to hear this song in a new way.  Why not check it out on my Bandcamp page, on Spotify, on YouTube, on Amazon, or wherever else you listen to music?

I suffer from terrible insomnia.  Unless I am really jet lagged or physically worn out, getting to sleep is a struggle.  Simply, I can't turn my brain off.  I think about this, about that, about things that matter, about things that really don't matter, over and over and over and over.  When I am eventually able to sleep, my brain keeps right on churning. Enter dreams.

You might think this topic is just an excuse to reference songs about dreams... and well, you wouldn't be 100% wrong...

Let's keep this first installment musical.  Sometimes, I dream lyrics.  Here are some that I wrote down after waking up at a crazy early hour:

wrap me up in the rabble of the crowd that's had enough

I have no idea what that means.  I am certain there were other words around these, but when I woke up in that not-quite-coherent state, these are the only ones I could focus on enough to actually write down.  Good enough to keep, yes.  Good enough to write around, maybe.  Maybe another dream will bring me more lyrics to finish out this idea.

Sometimes I dream complete songs.  I mean, completely written and arranged.  Intro, verse, chorus, bridge, chord progressions, cool bass lines.  The conscious version of me who is typing this blog entry right now wonders how many of these are just popular songs that we all know, but recycled.  There is a part of me that thinks there might actually be something in there though.  Sadly, I generally never remember enough of the music upon waking to do anything with it... I say "generally", because there is an exception.  It's a song that is now called "Never Let Go".  I'll hold back additional commentary on that for a future blog post.

When I think about this further, I think that I might actually write better songs in my sleep than I do when I'm awake.  Yeah, that sounds like a pithy hyperbole, but I am afraid it may be true.  That part of me that is overly self-critical, the part of me that never thinks anything is ever good enough, the part of me that writes with chord charts handy... those parts aren't there when I'm sleeping.  Maybe the music I hear in my dreams is where my true creativity is?

In order to give you a peek behind the curtain at my songwriting process, I'd like to tell you about my second attempt at the 5 in 5 Song Challenge.  I have written about this challenge in a previous blog entry, so this time, I'll skip explaining the big idea and get straight to the songs.

Day 1, 14th October 2019.  Prompt was to use at least five of these ten words: creek, orange, cider, make, gather, cotton, oak, spinning, poured, without.  Amplifier bonus (which I don't recall being part of the challenge the last time I participated) was to use the chord progression Dbm, Fm, Eb7.

I'm proud of what I managed to write for this one.  I started with the chord progression, as I figured that would be the hardest part.  It was.  If you're not a musician, let me tell you that those three chords are kind of creepy and ominous sounding when used in sequence.  I structured my verses for the song around them, and managed to use all ten (!) of the words, which I believe is a first for me.  Here's the thing... using those specific words, but making it seem natural and not forced... that was tough.  All told, there is one part here that I will re-write.  I didn't like the melody I used in the bridge, so will go back to work on that.  Other than that, I think the rest of the song will stay as-is, and I'll be adding it to my live repertoire next month.  

Day 2, 15th October 2019.  Prompt was to use the following idea as a starting point:  It has to come to an end, before it can begin.  What is it?  (If that sounds to you like something Seneca might have said, well, you're not the only person who thought so.)  Amplifier bonus was to use a minor 4 chord.

For this one, I did not write fresh lyrics.  Rather, I used lyrics from my collaborator, Ruth.  She had lyrics that needed music, and when I saw the prompt, I remembered these specific ones, as I thought they fit.  Lyrics in hand, I wrote the music, which I found to be rather easy this time.  I mostly write in minor keys, and if you write in a minor key, your 4 chord is automatically minor.  Easy as pie.  From reading some of the comments in the group, I might be the only person who understood the amplifier this way, as a few folks asked for clarification, and the clarification was to take a major 4 chord and change it to minor... but that's not what the prompt said.  Maybe the default assumption is that people only write in major keys?  

Day 3, 16th October 2019.  Prompt was to use "Harvest Moon" as a song title.  Ick.  Amplifier bonus is to write in a key you're not comfortable in.  

Well, I'm not really comfortable in any key that requires me to use more than just the white keys on a piano.  I'm not a competent pianist by any means, so I feel all warm and fuzzy writing in A minor.  For this one, I wrote the song on bass instead of piano... and I wrote the verses in G minor, but the chorus in B flat major.  I leaned toward snarky and humorous for the lyrical content.  I think this song is the best one I wrote all week, and I plan to record it next year and get it ready to release in time for fall.  I'll be playing it in public starting next month.

Day 4, 17th October 2019.  Prompt was to use at least five of ten given words.  Now, I don't have the complete word list (oops), but here are the ones that I used: older, settle, calling, pocket, strong, resist.   That's six.   Amplifier bonus was to use this chord progression: F, G, Cmaj7, Am.

That chord progression basically told me to write the song in A minor, which as I mentioned above, is my warm & fuzzy key.  Ok.  I wasn't too thrilled with the list of words, but no matter, I got to work.  I used the fantastic closer from the album The Blinding White Of Nothing At All, "All You Really Want Is Love", as inspiration.  The main songwriter, John Davis, is a strong influence on my songwriting.  Now, the song in question (please listen to it) sounds like it was written in a major key, and I wasn't about to do that, but I did write the B part of the song to have a slight major key feel.  I wrote it in second person.  I also followed a similar structure. A B A B outro.  

I wanted to write a song that I love as much as I love most everything on that record, and I fell short of that goal.  However, I like what I came up with enough to add it to my live setlist starting next month.  It needs some light editing, but there is potential here.  I also feel that this is a good song for We Met In Paris, so I sent it over to Ruth.

Day 5, 18th October 2019.  Prompt was to use the following idea as a starting point:  she is strong as an old fallen tree, but hollow inside.  Amplifier bonus was to change key during the song.

This time, let's start with my overall goal.  I wanted to write a Guided By Voices style song.  I did that just a little bit on one of the songs from the last time I did this challenge, and after editing, it ended up being called "Huns of Doubt", and you will be able to get your hands on it soon.  This time though, I didn't want to use any non-sequitur chords or a crazy time signature.

Beyond GBV, I think of the Wright Brothers and aviation when I think of Dayton.  Transportation terms popped into my head.  I thought about calling it "Propeller", but that's the name of an early GBV album, so no, can't do that.  I thought about the airplane imagery in some of their songs and album artwork... then I decided to call the song "Submarine".  Boats are called "she" by sailors, right?  Submarines are strong, and hollow inside.  Ok, title achieved.  For the lyrics, I used terminology related to submarines as a metaphor for a break up.

Musically, well, doing a key change is not new to me.  For Prompt 2 during this challenge, I wrote the verses in minor and the chorus in major.  If you remember "Harvest Moon", I used relative minor/major keys.  For this one though, I did something I've never done before... I just moved the entire thing a whole step up.  I tried to be clever doing this... I have some harmony vocals in it, and one of the harmony vocal lines, I keep it droning on the same note, before AND after the key change.  I think there is some potential here, and I might go to the studio with it next year sometime.

***

Summary.  Five days, five songs.  Three songs added to my live rotation, just as soon as I learn them well enough to play them from memory.  All of the songs will need to undergo a little bit of editing, but I don't foresee a major re-write on any of them.  I felt more comfortable doing this challenge than the previous one.  It would seem that all of the songwriting work I have been doing is paying off... I'm getting better at my craft.  That said, there is always always always room for improvement, and I'll probably jump on future challenges like this in an effort to do just that.

If you would like to hear these songs, I encourage you to sign up for my mailing list on the homepage of this website.  At some point, I'll be sending them as gifts to the folks who are subscribed.

The first time I saw La Joconde was 1999.  (English speakers generally know her by a different name.)  She was small and dark, but out there in the open, and you could get as close to her as you wanted.  Things have changed... she is still small and dark, but is now protected by some thick glass and special lighting and a railing, and you can't get close anymore.

A couple of years later I wrote a song about her.  By this time, I had learned some rudimentary bass skills, and I wrote a lot of songs.  Most of them were garbage, and were discarded as such.  This one, I liked enough to actually type it and print it... and I wrote the chords on the sheet in pen.  The song didn't have a name at the time.  It disappeared.

Many many years later... in fact, I don't even remember when exactly... at least ten years had passed.... anyway, I was doing some cleaning, and I found this folded up piece of paper.  I unfolded it, and behold!  Lyrics.  Chords noted.  I didn't have a song title, and didn't even remember writing it... but I knew who it was about because I had included an inside joke for myself in the lyrics, calling her "mysteriously jocular", a play on words with her name.  There is only one person I would describe that way.

When I finally got around to making an album, I felt like this song had to be on it.  This is really what drove me to come up with a title.  Why is it called "Every Last Time Is like the First"?  Well, like the lyrics say, I have come around again and again, walking through those marble halls... and she's always there with that sly little smile, surrounded by dozens of people taking pictures with their flashes turned  off.  The last time I saw her was in April.  (This was the first time for my wife.)  I stayed at the back of the crowd, I had no reason to attempt to get close... I'll never be able to get as close as I did the first time I saw her.  But every last time I get some small measure of satisfaction from being back in her home, in her city.

Does anyone remember 1996?  That was the year I graduated from high school.  Shortly after that, on 17th September to be specific, I wrote what you see in this image:

I always intended for most of the things I wrote to end up as song lyrics... but at the time, I didn't play any instruments.  

Fast forward to spring 2017.  I had just finished my first album, and I was getting it ready to release.  However, when you write songs, you can't stop writing songs.  I started looking through some of my older writing to find something that would make a little pop song... and I found this.

So, I had to change the name.  "Television Love Obsession" became "Little Light".  I had to update some of the references.  "Letters" became "email"... and, well, you can compare the current lyrics to the old ones by watching this video.

I wouldn't visit the studio with this song until 20th January 2019.  On that date, the lovely and talented Jeremy Raucci was kind enough to play the guitar for me, community drummer Brian Hoeflich knocked out all of the drums, and all tracking and mixing got knocked out in an eight hour session at Reel Love Recording Company.  (Shout out to Uncle Patrick.)  The end result is a slightly creepy pop song.  Please click the link above to listen and watch the lyric video if you haven't already.

Hey, here’s another new theme for a series of blog entries.  This is the first Songwriting Story, in which I open the curtain and let you peek into my songwriting process.  Now, I won’t do this for every song, as some artistic ambiguity is sometimes something desirable, but on occasion I’ll share some information about how a song came to be.  Today we start with “North of Sixteen”, which is track 7 on Echo in the Crevices. 

This is a song I wrote a dozen times, several dozen times.  I had words, I would discard the words. I had music, I would discard the music.  I wrote this song over and over again, year after year, and eventually, this particular iteration stuck.  I tried to write a bass line cool enough to obscure the sadness of the lyrics… indeed, this is my favorite bass line on the album.  Do people even pay attention to the lyrics anyway? 

March 1995.  My junior year of high school.  I was 17. Like many high schoolers my age, I had a part-time job… I worked at a grocery store.  The store wasn’t in my hometown, so many of the teenagers who worked there attended different high schools in the area.  At that age, you spend a great deal of time with your coworkers… four or five days a week, a few hours a day… longer on weekends… it’s natural that you develop some camaraderie and bond with them.  As I recall, I got along well with all of the other high schoolers who worked with me… the public school kids, the private school kids… we all spent plenty of time socializing at work. 

Susan went to a high school in a neighboring town.  Cheerleader. Honor Roll. Student Council. Exemplary. Intelligent. Talkative. Friendly. Sixteen. She was part of a group of coworkers who I was especially fond of… we’d take the 15 minute work breaks together when we could… there would be laughing and stories and jokes… sometimes about school, sometimes about life.  I think one of the interesting things for all of us was the chance to interact with a bunch of peers that you wouldn’t see the next day at school. Below is a picture of her that I found online. Mind you, this is not necessarily the way I remember her, at least not this particular dress… but the smile is exactly the way I remember her.  She always had that smile. 

For safety reasons, one of the male employees would walk the female employees to their car if the shift ended at night.  We all did this for all of the young (and not so young) ladies that we worked with, but I seemed to end up walking out with Susan somewhat regularly… in fact, it was often enough that if she arrived at work after I did, she would try to park next to me, or at least tell me that she tried to park next to me.  She would tell me “I parked next to you again, guess you have to walk me out”. 

You came to me on a cool March night like any other 

I don’t remember what day of the week it was.  I remember it was March, and it was before the suicide, and I was at work.  I was, specifically, outside at work. See this particular grocery store had a carport where the customer’s groceries would get sent through a conveyor.  We young guys liked to work in the carport loading groceries into cars, because we got tips that way. This particular day, it was my turn to be outside. It was late enough to be kind of dark outside, this was before daylight saving time started back up.  Susan came to the store with her folks… they were going shopping. She walked over to where I was standing outside to chat. 

Your laugh for me was just a mask to hide the maelstrom 

At the time, I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary.  Ah, the power and clarity of hindsight. We had a nice conversation.  She smiled the same smile as always, and laughed at my occasional awful joke (usually of the self-deprecating variety).  I asked if she had to take care of anything work-related, and she said she might run into the store for a few moments, but that she had come specifically to see me.  I remember being quite flattered, because teenage boys feel flattered when intelligent, pretty young ladies say nice things to them. We talked about an upcoming Cranberries show that I was planning to attend… the show would be in April.  She expressed interest in joining my group. When I balked at that - not knowing how exactly to set that up - she made an offhand comment about maybe not seeing me ever again. Again, I didn’t attach any significance to this… until… you know. 

Didn’t hear what you meant to say 

She talked about feeling sick… like a cold was coming on.  I told her to keep her chin up and repeated the old adage about chicken soup.  She said that was probably a good idea. Looking back, this conversation was her way of saying goodbye… but it was also a cry for help.  I would like to think that I would notice that something was wrong if we were to have a similar conversation today. I would like to think that I’ve learned a bit more about reading people and empathy.  This is not to say that I wasn’t empathetic then, but I was 17, I was surely not emotionally equipped to do what I have always thought should have been done. Anyway, when she had to run into the store, she gave me a hug… she came out a few minutes later with her parents, and I ended up loading groceries into their car.  As they were pulling away, she turned and waved to me from the back, and I shouted “chicken soup!” in the general direction of the car. She flashed that smile in response. This was the last time I saw Susan alive. 

Bathed in exhaust / closed your eyes and went to sleep 

I found what I think is an archive of a newspaper article online… 1995 was so long ago that there isn’t much on the Internet about these kinds of things from that time period.  It’s not like I need any of the personal details, I remember all of those, and don’t think I could ever forget. It’s haunting. No, I wanted to look up some of the facts… find something official.  The article I found is here. This is an excerpt: 

The vibrant and popular Fenter, an honor roll student herself, placed frozen shrimp on the counter to thaw, fed her cat Dusty and walked into the garage. She then climbed into her car, turned the ignition and read a suicide prevention pamphlet she received at school. Three hours later, Barbara Fenter pulled into the driveway, opened the garage door and smoke billowed out. She found her daughter slumped in the driver's seat, dead of carbon monoxide poisoning - the pamphlet by her side. On her bed, next to a list of "final things to do," Susan left a suicide note. 

Since I didn’t go to the same high school as Susan, I didn’t hear the news during my day.  I found out when I got to work. I was actually up in the upstairs break area, early for my shift, and about to start.  My dad found me (he worked in management there at the time) and asked me “did you hear about Susan?”, but he had THAT look on his face… the one that speaks of no good.  If you read the article I linked to, you’ll notice that there was another suicide of a student in her school earlier in the week, and that story had gotten plenty of local media coverage, so it was on everyone’s mind, and when dad asked me that question with that look on his face, that conversation Susan and I had came flooding back and I KNEW.  I knew. I said “suicide”? Dad nodded and left the room. It’s hard to describe what that felt like… punch in the gut, kick to the ribs… something like that. My first reaction was angry. Anger at her for not asking for help, then quickly anger at myself for not realizing that she asked for help and also said goodbye. I punched a wall. My hand hurt for a few days afterwards. 

Somber day at work.  Grocery store where much of the staff was kids.  Everyone knew. It was on the news. Work was so perfunctory.  The customers noticed. The really regular customers knew she had worked with us.  Several of my coworkers spent most of their shift in tears.  I can’t describe how work itself felt for my coworkers, but for me, work felt completely pointless.  I wanted to scream with rage, I wanted to break things, I wanted to cry… but no, I went ahead and bagged those groceries and mopped those floors and faced those shelves and was polite to the customers.  As I talked to my coworkers, it became clear that Susan had carefully planned this. For instance, she had called someone earlier in the week to cover her weekend shift. She didn’t plan on being alive when the weekend came around.  Several of my coworkers had similar stories about getting visits… and when we compared our stories, the thing they all had in common was that air of finality. 

The article I mentioned previously has a sample from her journal. 

"My life is just one big nightmare. I can't get over how stupid I am," Susan wrote five months before the suicide. "Maybe I'm book smart, but I sure can't handle the things I feel inside....I think I'm going to die of a broken heart....No one can understand how I'm feeling...I can't deal with this anymore, with this pain and hurting I feel." 

That’s not the Susan I knew.  Ok, that is the Susan I knew, I just didn’t pay enough attention.  We were teenagers, we were all broken and messed up in our own ways.  Some of us still are.  I always thought that she had stuff figured out.  It happens that she apparently thought the same of the rest of us. 

I wrote “North of Sixteen” so many times… so many words, so many names.  This song you hear today is the one that made it, a testament to the profound and crushing guilt I have felt for more than 24 years now.  What could I have done? What should I have done? What if? This song comes from a dark and painful place.  Lyrically, it is as honest as anything I’ve ever written. Musically, it’s in a minor key… that’s appropriate. 

Never could you find your way north of sixteen.

Chris Cornell - Euphoria Mourning

This album was released in fall 1999.  If you happened to have bought it back then, you might have noticed that the title as printed on the disc was Euphoria Morning, as shown above.  Apparently, someone at the record label thought that Cornell’s original title was too dark.  I have restored the title here as originally intended by the artist, and really, it fits the music better. 

This was my favorite singer.  I don’t know that I had a favorite band at the time, but as far as vocalists were concerned, this was my guy.  Such range. Such emotion. From quiet to loud. I mean, the only person I can think of that sounds even remotely like Cornell is Ian Thornley from Big Wreck… and he’s just kind of in the same neighborhood. 

I bought this album nearly immediately after it was released, but at first I didn’t listen to it much.  Then I noticed that Chris Cornell would be playing a show in Paris at the same time that I would be there.  Ok, now it was on. When I went to Paris for the first time in October 1999, I only had 5 discs with me for the trip.  Euphoria Mourning was one of them.  (I would tell you the others, but that will steal the thunder from future blog posts.  I think they call this “a tease” in the radio industry.) See kids, back then we had a thing called “Discman”, which was a CD player built by Sony.  It could play one disc at a time, and it was small enough to fit in your pocket. Well, it fit in my pocket, I’m a big guy. 

I was in France for three weeks.  Three weeks, five albums. Think of it as kind of a miniature version of the age-old “desert island album” question.  I listened to this album every day. Every day. I listened to it in Paris while walking around, on the train between French towns, in Amboise, in Lyon, in Avignon, on the Métro, in the rain, in the dark, and whilst falling asleep.  I was struck by the quality arrangements, and delighted at the departure in sound from Cornell’s work with Soundgarden. This is not to say that I didn’t like Soundgarden; on the contrary, I loved Soundgarden… I was just open to accept a change of pace.  These songs reminded me of “Seasons” from the Singles soundtrack and “Sunshower” from the Great Expectations soundtrack… but they were more layered, more textured, and more nuanced.  (The exception here is “Sweet Euphoria”, which Chris recorded by himself.) This album was my first exposure to Alain Johannes and Natasha Shneider, two great musicians who co-wrote many of these songs, and who played on the album.  (This reminds me that I still need to look into their old band, shame on me for not doing that.) 

This album has meant a great deal to me over the past nearly 20 years.  The lyrics from “Preaching the End of the World” that go “I’m 24 and I’ve got everything to live for”... well, when I was 24, that took on a new meaning.  The sentiment in “When I’m Down”... I feel like that every day, and that’s one of those songs that I wish I had written, it’s so good. I’ve really felt “Wave Goodbye” many times in my life as friends or family members have died.  So yes, I still love this album… but when I listen to it, I without fail remember that first trip to France… I hear a song from this album and I remember trying to figure out how to work the machines in a Paris laundromat. I hear another song from the album and I remember strolling along the Rhône on a dark night in Arles, nearly out of money, feeling so very alone, and considering jumping into the dark waters below.  I hear another song from the album and I remember that awful awful cold I got while I was in Lyon. 

“I’m a wreck when I look mighty”.   

Thank you Chris.

I saw Chelsey Coy from Single Girl/Married Girl mention something about a songwriting challenge.  It seemed interesting, so I went after more information. It seemed even more interesting, so I joined.  Today, I get to tell you about the 5 in 5 Song Challenge. 

This challenge is sponsored by Song Fancy, a website run by Nashville based singer/songwriter Sarah Spencer.  The website itself is designed to reach out to other songwriters, to help them when the obstacle of writer’s block rears its ugly head.  The site says it is specifically for the “contemporary lady songwriter”, but there are no barriers to entry for this challenge. Plenty of male songwriters joined.  Prior to this challenge, I had never stumbled across this website, so I can’t comment on the sense of community there, nor can I comment on the effectiveness of the songwriting tips shared.  I will say however, that I think this is a fantastic idea, and very altruistic of Sarah Spencer to share ideas that have helped her to be a better songwriter with others. 

What exactly is this challenge?  Well, it consists of five days… and it consists of five songs.  Those of us who signed up for the challenge are expected to write one song each day for five days.  That seems daunting, doesn’t it? If you aren’t feeling particularly inspired, it can be hard to write one song in two weeks, let alone a song each day for a business week.  The task is a little less scary than you might think, because each day comes with a song prompt. 

For Monday 11 March, also known as Day 1, we were given a list of ten words.  We had to use five of them in a song. For Tuesday 12 March, which was Day 2, we were given a phrase to use as a jumping-off point for the song.  For Wednesday 13th March, something that we call Day 3, the prompt was phrased as a dare… a dare to complete an unspecified action… but the song had to be written from a specific point of view. On Thursday 14th March, which as you might have figured out by now, was Day 4, we were given another list of ten words... but they were ten different words than Monday's list.  Finally, on Friday 15th March, which you surely realize was Day 5, we were given a specific two-word phrase to use as a song title.

Speaking personally as a songwriter, on the occasions I feel blocked, it is because I don’t have a place to start.  Maybe I’m not particularly moved by anything in the moment… no recent life tragedies, no recent life victories, and a general feeling of "meh". Some days I might have something to say, but can’t exactly find the motivation to write.  I found that this challenge solved both of those issues for me. Each day, here’s a new topic… something specific. Where to go with that topic, well, that’s in the hands of each songwriter. If you give 50 songwriters each a list of ten words and tell them to go write a song using five words from that list… well, you’ll get an incredible variety of styles and feeling.  The same can be said of the other prompts. In addition to the topic, having the expectation up front that YOU MUST COMPLETE THE SONG TODAY really helped me to get the songs finished. Nothing like a deadline to inspire urgency… 

Looking back at the challenge, I can’t say the songs I created were my best work.  (This means that you probably won't be hearing them, even if you ask nicely.  Ok, maybe one of them might see the light of day eventually, but not in its original form.)  Normally for me, I write and re-write and re-write a song before I bother recording a home demo of it.  Only the strong survive long enough to get recorded. When you are tasked with writing and recording a song each day, the ability to self-edit like that goes away.  That being the case, I didn’t come up with anything that I would consider “polished”... but there are some tiny moments in each of the songs I wrote that I think I will excise and use again somewhere else.  I think that having these songs be so raw and unpolished is part of the point of the challenge. The daily deadline forced me to step away from my natural tendency to immediately judge my own art, and to simply create. 

In order to keep us all accountable, this challenge came with a private Facebook group.  This is where we received the song prompts. This is where we shared our songs with the other writers.  This is where we gave feedback. This is where we got feedback. This is a good idea, but it is only as useful as the community involved can make it.  For the first couple of days, I tried to listen to every song that was posted to the community. On the first day, I think I left feedback on three of them.  On the second day, I left feedback on two of them. As the challenge moves on, trying to keep up with the submissions became overwhelming for me… especially since this challenge is happening in the middle of a normal work week in my daily life, and, oh yeah, I have to step back and CREATE something each day as well.  The challenge serves the two-fold purpose of (1) pushing us to write even when we might not be comfortable doing so that day, and (2) also getting us feedback from our peers. In my experience, the challenge was successful on point one, and not successful on point two. Even though it is art and a creative endeavor, a songwriter should treat it like a job and set aside specific time to work on the craft... this challenge forced me to do that.  As for point two...  the song I submitted for Day 2 didn’t get listened to even one time.  All of the others were listened to at least once, but feedback was minimal.  (Again, that's my experience.  Some of the writers in the group got plenty of feedback.  This may be related to genre.)

My final verdict… if you are a songwriter and you struggle with what to say or how to say it or where to start or how to get something finished… go visit the Song Fancy website and sign up for this challenge the next time it is offered.  It is a great mental exercise. It will enable you to stretch out your songwriting skills in a way you might not have considered before. Most importantly, even if you don’t come out of the challenge with anything you feel like keeping or sharing, I truly think this sort of thing makes us better at our craft.

This is going to give everyone a good idea about my age, but when I was first getting into discovering music on my own, I loved opening the cassette and pulling out the folded up liner notes.  I would read the lyrics without the music playing, I would read the lyrics with the music playing, I would read the lyrics and sing along.  When cassettes got replaced by compact discs, I would do the same thing... in fact, I would be disappointed if I bought an album that didn't have the lyrics included.

Fast forward to now, where music lives mostly in digital form.  It feels like modern music listeners may not be as concerned or interested in the lyrics as I was in my youth.  My intent here is not to sound curmudgeonly, nor to yell "get off my lawn" at folks younger than me... they love their music, but with the decline of music as a physical thing, it seems to be a bit harder to find the lyrics.

With that in mind, I have added a lyric page to my website.  If you wanted to know how to spell all of those French words in "Le soldat" or you were curious as to what exactly I am saying in "North of Sixteen", or if you didn't know whether I am saying "write away" or "right away" in "Soul of an Ode"... well, head on over to the lyric page and read away.  Please sing along.